Its been a couple of days since Zeb's 6 month cardiology appointment and I have finally come to terms with it. YES, all in all we got a great report, and I cannot say how THANKFUL we are. I will admit that even in this thankfulness, I have been sad. Actually 2 days of complete sadness accompanied with nausea, and down right depression. His gradient went up significantly since his last 2 appointments. This is a red flag, a sounded alarm. I am upset. I am scared. There I said it.
Dr. L seems completely confident that Zeb is not in any danger now. I trust him with Zeb's life. After all he did save his life. God used this man to save my child's life. He was very positive that we don't need to stress or rush him back in earlier than 6 months, but he did stress that he couldn't go past 6 months. I was so frozen in the shock of the moment, I didn't dare ask him what happens if it goes up more. I know what happens, I know the reality. I know what we have been told time and time again. I don't ever again for as long as I live want to hear those words. I will not even say it on this blog or anywhere out loud, but I know my heart mom friends know the answer. It is always in the back of my mind but sometimes for a minute you forget.
For now , we wait and we believe and we hope in God and trust him for the miracle we know Zeb already is and we continue to be thankful every day. This is what we do.
In reflection of the last visit, I couldn't help to think that somehow every time we go for the heart check, its like walking into a target range or target practice. You are going in not knowing if today is the day we are going to just be a target or if today is the day we are going to be hit with the bullet. Frankly I don't like being in the line of fire or my son being the bullseye. It is not a good feeling. It SUCKS!!! I can say this I would stand in front of any firing range for him any day to keep him from having to face another $#@*(!#* .
God in his unconditional love and grace gave me some assurance that day as well, even as we got into the car to drive home, smiling on the outside but riddle with hurt and fear on the inside, through song... These are the 2 songs that came on the radio: "While I am Waiting" ( I will Trust You) - John Waller and then immediately after, " My hope is in You Lord" - Aaron Shust. I am still amazed every time he speaks to me so boldy. I am thankful...and I am clinging to these words and to HIM. He is GOOD.
Rhonda ~
