Sunday, February 7, 2010

No More Darkness.......It's All Light!

This morning when Zeb was doing his usual routine of waking up Mommy ...he said " Mommy there is no more darkness.." It's all light! ....I know that in his way he was saying it is daylight..get up Mommy. But this just touched my heart strings especially given the current situation. I really felt almost as if God was speaking to me through my child as if to say...Rhonda don't walk in darkness....Walk in the light and Trust Me...I am holding your son, my son in the palm of my hand.  I have thought about this all day long and the more I think about it the more peace I find.

I have not had a good last couple of days, I will admit. I have went from  shock, gutwrenching sobs, denial, silent tears, physically sick in my body, to anger so strong that during dinner I felt the urge to fling my plat of spaghetti across the room into the wall or actually just fall in the floor and have an all out fit.
It is so not fair....How fair is it for a Mother to have to see there child playing so innocently and so lively and not know what he has to face, what lies ahead????  How fair is it for a Mother and Father to have to see there son have open heart surgery???  IT IS NOT FAIR!! IT ACTUALLY REALLY REALLY SUCKS!
I know that my sweet heart mom friends, most of you, if not all of you have already faced this journey and you survived. I read your blogs, I have cried many of tears for your sweet precious babies and prayed many of prayers, but still today I can't fathom how you survived. I do know that our hope, our help, our peace is in GOD ALMIGHTY. I pray every day for strength for the journey. AND I am so thankful for my sweet friends and loved ones and all your prayers. It means so much, and day by day, I am feeling better, I am grasping it a little as we wait on the call.

We still haven't heard from MUSC, it should be this week. I tell you I want to know so we can get some sort of plan.  How in the world do you even begin to make a plan for your baby to have open heart surgery? I don't know that yet, but I will.  I wait for the phone to ring and when it does, I feel terror in my heart, but I know the time will come and we will have to go forward on this journey.

I am thankful today for a little more peace given to me, a little more strength from sweet little innocent words from my lil miracle. Thank you God for Zeb and for the mighty work you will do in his life and heal his broken heart.

Thank you all my friends for all your love, kind words, and prayers. I need you so much and I am so Blessed to have you in my life.

Rhonda ~

Lil Z and his Daddy!!


  1. Glad to see you have found the light from behind the dark clouds. It is hard and everything that you are feeling is completely normal. We've all been there.

    Stef, Ryan, Wyatt and Logan

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  3. My heart goes out to you, as I know all too well what you are going through. I remember that sick, gut wrenching feeling that I felt as I watched them wheel Beckham's crib to the operating room. It was so hard. But, I also remember that sweet peace that overcame me during his surgery, letting me know that everything was going to be alright, and that the doctors hands were guided the entire way.

    Zeb and your entire family will be in my prayers! Lots of love and support from Iowa!

  4. Rhonda, you brought me to tears. I'm sure that was God speaking to you from that sweet, innocent little Zeb. I'm so glad you have found a little peace.

    The way you get through it, is prayer. For me at the point of surgery I think it was mostly prayer from other people. There were times when I just had nothing to say to God because I was mentally exhausted, but I knew our family and friends were praying and carrying us through. For me, physically handing Derrick over for surgery was the hardest thing I have ever done...both times. Once he was gone, and I had begged God to bring him back safely, I had peace. It's very strange, but only able to be explained by His presence, His arms, His grace. You'll make it. You won't like it, and it won't be easy, but you'll make it, and so will Zeb. You'll be amazed once it's over at how quickly things go back to normal and surgery is a memory. For me, it's a memory that can always bring tears, but still a memory no longer looming so closely overhead.

    We're praying for your family always.

    Big heart hugs and prayers,

  5. Rhonda,
    I found your blog through another that I read and have been touched by your recent crisis. We, too, are heading toward MUSC for surgery for our Zach within the next 6 months --- the anxiety that creates in my heart is overwhelming at times.
    I will continue to pray for Zeb and your family. Praise God for His perfect peace! (Isn't it just like God to speak to you through a child?) I just read a devo this morning about how Peter was able to walk on water --- until he took his eyes off of the One who made it possible. God will bring you through this and show Himself --- just keep your eyes on Him!